Two Cows
by mesmerizedbyceruleaneyes
Summary: The UN has received two cows, and nobody knows what to do with them. Every nation has their own ideas - mad cows, self-milking cows, Cowkimons and hamburgers. Crack.


**Note: This is purely fictional. Any disrespect to any nationality is**** completely unintentional.**

**Two Cows**

The United Nations was facing a problem. Two cows had been donated to them, anonymously, and nobody could come to an agreement regarding what was to be done to the animals.

"I wish they were bulls," grumbled America. "Like, bull markets? It'd totally help our economic climate."

"More like bullshit," muttered someone.

America, of course, ignored the comment. "Does anyone have suggestions? Or else they'll just go towards making hamburgers for lunch!"

India leapt to his feet. "Sacrilege!" he roared. "When you see a cow, you must bow down and worship it! You must kiss the ground it walks upon; you must –"

"Hamburgers!" said Italy happily as guards dragged the ranting India out of the hall. "But pasta is still the best!"

"Well, Italy, tell us what you do with cows," encouraged America.

"Umm…" The other nation looked baffled. "I don't know… I owned cows last time, then I forgot where I'd put them, and then I went for lunch instead…"

Germany facepalmed. "As expected…"

"So, Germany, what would _you_ do?" inquired America.

The crew-cut nation considered. "If I owned two cows, I would re-engineer them so that they'd live for a century, eat once a month and milk themselves," he announced at last.

A good proportion of the committee applauded at this amazing suggestion. Then Japan raised his hand. "I believe I have a better plan."

"Let's hear it!" smiled America, happy that people were coming forward with ideas now.

"If I owned two cows, I would re-design them so that they are one-tenth the size but produce twenty times the amount of milk of an ordinary cow. Then, I will make a cartoon of them called 'Cowkimon' and market them worldwide for huge profits," explained Japan.

Murmurs spread through the council as they debated on which of the suggestions was the better. Meanwhile, America turned to England. "What about you, England?"

England looked vaguely sheepish. "If I had two cows, they'd both be mad."

America sweatdropped and addressed one of the smaller nations, Singapore. "Do you have a plan?"

"Yes. I would set up and investment corporation with a staff of a thousand to invest in the cows. Nobody will ever know how many cows there actually are, and of course, we'd make a good-sized profit," was the straight-faced answer.

America laughed uneasily, and was saved from having to come up with a sensible answer to that when France spoke up. "If I owned two cows, I would go on strike – because I want three!"

"Hah, you can't beat _me_," scoffed Switzerland. "I own five thousand cows!"

"But they don't belong to you," pointed out Prussia. "You just charge other people for storing them with you!"

"Shut up!"

"Okay, okay, cool it people!" America quickly tried to break it up. "Violence is a sign of simple-mindedness!"

Both nations instantly turned on him. "What did you say…?" they asked ominously.

America immediately shrank back. "N-nothing!"

"Motion to move into voting procedures on the two resolutions," declared Japan.

"Seconded!" echoed around the room.

"Motion to move into voting procedures is recognized by the chair!" America grinned, puffing up with self-importance. "The chair recognizes Japan's resolution. Those voting _for_ the motion, say 'Aye'!"

England prodded his friend. "America, that's not how it's done!"

"Well now it is, 'cause I like it this way!" America sniffed. Then he reconsidered. "Okay, how about you say 'aye' and raise your hand too? It's easier to count that way… I say aye 'cause I think Cowkimon will be a great hit!"

"How could you not support my self-milking cows?!" cried Germany.

America tugged at his hair. "I guess they're great too… Hey, can we combine them all?"

"What, have mini-cows that live for a hundred years, eat once a month, produce twenty times the usual amount of milk, milk themselves _and_ market them as Cowkimon?" asked China.

"Something like that," agreed America.

"No!" said Germany and Japan simultaneously.

America was shocked. "_Why_???"

"It's corruption of an idea!" protested Japan.

"You took the words right out of my mouth," complained Germany.

Japan went on as though nothing had been said. "It's a direct assault of the concept of copyright!"

"Couldn't we split the ownership rights or something?" suggested America weakly.

He was met with fierce protests at once. ("No! Cowkimon is copyright of Japan!" and "No! Self-milking cows are a patent of Germany!") America sighed. "You know what, if it's going to be so much trouble, I'll just send them to be made into hamburgers."

And despite what the rest of the nations said, the two celebrity cows ended up as hamburgers. Everyone had to admit that they were excellent hamburgers – after all, they were cooked by America himself.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey Russia, where'd you get those cows from anyway aru?"

"Oh… I got them from Canada, who got them from Cuba, who stole them from America, who stole them from England, I believe."

"Didn't England say that his cows are all mad?!"

"Dear me, I quite forgot."

"_Russia_!!"

The next day, everyone came down with swine flu.

"But we all ate beef!"

The UN was quickly convened to discuss the implications of a worldwide outbreak of the newest threat, cow flu.

OWARI

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**A/N: First APH ficcy :-X I got the idea from the funky descriptions of what corporations of each country would do with two cows at this ice-cream place called Udders, so really I guess they're not my ideas… but I put them together, so this story is mine ;D thanks to Kid-chan for helping me with this too!**

**Please Review!**


End file.
